Last partial update: July 2016 - Please read disclaimer before proceeding.

 

Relationships – An integral part of mental health

Relationships in Australia today are far more diverse than they were 30 years ago and include convention marriages, defacto relationships and gay and lesbian relationships. While each group has its own unique characteristics and problems, it is true to say that the behaviours that encourage successful long term relationships are pretty similar in all. The statistics and information presented in this section regarding relationship breakdowns and how to avoid them was compiled from studies of heterosexual couples. However, much of the advice is general in nature and can apply to all couples.

Unfortunately Gay and lesbian couples do have some unique problems to deal with, such as discrimination, physical and verbal abuse, lack of social supports, recognition issues for non-biological parents, financial disadvantage because of lack of eligibility for some government benefits etc, and in some cases, isolation from family and friends. It is thus not surprising that they also have a higher incidence of anxiety and depression and harmful alcohol consumption than other members of the population.

Those wishing information in addition to that provided below regarding maintaining and improving relationships should consult the relevant references mentioned at the end of this section. Information about how to find a counsellor is provided in the boxed section below.

Accessing counselling

People often delay addressing relationship problems because they do not know how to access good quality counselling. There are numerous counselling services operating in Australia. Here are some suggestions.

Local community health services

Counsellors associated with community health services can be accessed by phoning the local health service (or mental health service). Contact details can be obtained from GPs or the local hospital.

Psychologists in private practice.

The best way to contact a well-qualified psychologist is to find a member of the Australian Psychological Society. (There are 13,000 in total and they are well qualified to help in relationship counselling and in the treatment of mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, etc) All members have a degree in psychology: full members have a minimum of six years training and associate members have at least four years. Local GPs will probably have psychologists that they deal with regularly and can recommend. The Australian Psychological Society operates a service throughout Australia to help people find a suitable local counsellor. (They also have lists of psychologists able to speak languages in addition to English.) Just call 1800 333 497. Their web site is http://www.psychology.org.au and a request can be emailed through this site.

Relationships Australia

Relationships Australia operates counselling services, including telephone and face to face counselling. Their counsellors have qualifications in family or couple therapy and past experience in counselling. They have 88 branches throughout Australia. Their phone number is 1300 364 277 and web site is www.relationships.com.au. Their web site itself contains a wealth of helpful information about relationships and their counseling resources.
Relationships Australia also runs ‘Support Courses’ (about 4 to 8 sessions each) on various relationship issues. Topics include:

  • Life and Relationships
  • Family Support
  • Family Skills – Parenting
  • Family Violence Prevention and Recovery
  • Post Separation (Contains lots of helpful information, especially about children and separation.)
  • Gambling Help

A visit to the Relationships Australia web site is a must for anyone worried about their relationship.

National LGBTI Health Alliance - qLife
National LGBTI Health Alliance - qLife offers telephone counselling for LGBT issues and can organise face to face counselling. Their web site is at http://lgbtihealth.org.au and their number throughout Australia is 1800 184 527
Obviously, most trained psychologists are also well qualified for providing help with LGBT issues.

General practitioners
Many GPs have excellent counselling skills and often have the advantage of knowing the person or couple well already. For people needing more specialised help, GPs are usually in a good position to know the best local psychologists.

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The importance of relationships

Enjoying a good relationship with a partner is probably the most influential factor contributing to happiness and satisfaction in a person’s life. It is also associated with feeling healthier, especially with respect to reduced stress levels and reducing the risk of depression and other mental illness, and it provides a vital learning experience for children; and others.

With this in mind, the consequences of the 40 per cent failure rate of Australian marriages (and even more in de-facto relationships) present a major social problem in modern Australian life. Between 1990 and 2000, the proportion of divorced people in Australia rose by a staggering 63 per cent, with over 1.1 million Australians being divorced in 2000. Those involved suffer enormous emotional and financial hardship and it generally takes about two to three years for the couple to start reestablishing their lives.

Many would argue that those involved in relationships that break up are often incompatible and that the stress involved in breaking up is ‘for the best’ in the long run. This is undoubtedly true for many couples, especially those where abusive behaviour was present in the marriage. However, for many others, the evidence does not support this view. A survey conducted in 2001 (Relationships Australia Ltd 2001) showed that divorced/separated people were the least satisfied with their lives (38 per cent). On the other hand, people in long-term relationships (married/de facto) were found to be the most satisfied group (70 per cent).

Many people who separate from their partners regret their actions later. About 37 per cent of divorced people regret their divorce five years later and 40 per cent feel that their divorce could have been avoided (Relationships Australia – Advice). The period following a separation is a particularly difficult one emotionally and there is often a long and traumatic period where the couple go about extracting themselves financially from their pervious partner. Also, the couple is almost always financially worse off and may end up in relative poverty, relying on social security for their financial well-being.

Many people in long lasting relationships note that difficult periods are often transient. A difficult period is not necessarily a one-way street and making the effort to survive these periods can strengthen the bond between partners.

“More marriages might survive longer if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”
                                                                                                                                                            Doug Larson.

Successfully unearthing a second lifetime partner is also not that easy. Twice as many second marriages (66 per cent) break up as first marriages (33 per cent) and figures from 1994 show that these broken marriages lasted only an average of five years (Australian Social Trends 1999). One reason for this is that the person has not emotionally got over their previous relationship when they enter their new one and it is worthwhile considering seeing a counselor prior to making the second marriage decision. (This can also help with addressing issues such as how children are going to cope in the new relationship. Relationships Australia runs courses about making step-families work.)

Thus, it is definitely worth examining preventative measures that can help or even save a relationship. Remember, relationships are the most important asset for most people. It is an integral part of who they are.

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Relationships change with time

It is important to recognise that relationships change with time. The most common sequence goes something like this:

There are also times when fundamental changes occur in the relationship, such as becoming parents, when children leave home or retirement.

All these events will test the relationship and whether the relationship fails will depend largely on how well partners communicate and the respect they show for each other’s wishes and feelings.

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Who is at greatest risk of divorce/separation?

Breakdowns mostly occur early in relationships, with 43 per cent of divorces occurring in the first ten years of marriage.  In marriages that end in divorce, the average length of time before separation is about eight to nine years. (Actual divorce occurs on average about three years later.)  The 20 to 30 year age group is at greatest risk. There are several factors that indicate a relationship is in trouble. These include:

As many as ten percent of women in relationships experience persistent emotional, physical or sexual abuse from their partner. A particularly dangerous time for violence is when a relationship is ending and women who are leaving an abusive relationship need to be particularly careful about protecting themselves and their children. (Groups exist to help women faced with this situation. Ask a GP.)

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Improving a relationship

‘Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It is becoming the right person.’
(Anon)

An adult relationship is about two people who have equal rights, equal opportunities and equal responsibilities. Good relationships are based on people respecting each other and being able to communicate clearly.

All people have very personal definitions of what a fulfilling, intimate relationship means for them. Some of the things most of us expect in a relationship are love, intimacy and sexual expression, communication, commitment, economic security, equality, respect, compatibility and companionship, emotional support and, for many, childrearing. People should consider asking their partner what are their main priorities. It may provide a surprise.

 

Relationships graph 1

Source: Relationships Australia Incoprorated. Survey 2001.

 

Creating a relationship where both members are happy is all about how well the couple deals with the challenges and problems they face in their life together and couples need to be willing and committed to working out their problems. The best time to learn relationships skills is at the start of the relationship.

Unfortunately, most couples leave doing something about their problems until their relationship has already started to fall apart. Luckily, it is almost never too late to start learning relationship skills that can lead to ‘relationship recovery’.

The figure below shows the results of a survey conducted by Relationships Australia where Australians were asked to identify the principle issues that contribute negatively to their relationships. The rest of this section deals with looking at these issues with view to identifying ways to helping relationships. Remember, all relationships can be improved.

Time together

Lack of time spent together is a major factor harming relationships and is especially a problem in the 25 to 40 year age group. Allocating times each week that are spent alone with each other can help reduce this problem, as can encouraging shared activities both partners enjoy. Try resurrecting past common interests as well as developing new ones; especially those that can be continued throughout life. In the end, finding more time is all about reviewing priorities.

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Communication, understanding and respect

Communication is not something that comes naturally to many people and people who are not good communicators often send messages that are misinterpreted. Developing the skills to communicate well can help all aspects of life. The following information will hopefully provide a good starting point.

Honesty: How people conduct their relationship and what they communicate to their partner is guided by their thoughts, feelings and actions. Being honest in evaluating actions and feelings and being prepared to accept responsibility for them when they are causing relationship problems is the corner-stone of having good partner communications.

Sound relationships are based on trust. While the occasional ‘well-meaning white lie’ may do little harm, people who lie regularly are lose the trust of their partner or friend and this undermines any relationship. Honesty is the best policy.

Time: Part of the time partners spend together should be specifically allocated to communication. There will be topics every week that need to be addressed, such as issues relating to household duties, finances, children, planning activities, work, sex, family and friends.

Be happy to take the first step: Someone has to start the communication process and a person’s partner will be only too happy to participate if once the first step is taken. Taking things slowly at first is often wise.   

Become an attentive listener: Contrary to popular opinion, people do not instinctively know what their partner feels or is thinking. People need to listen carefully to their partner’s views and respect them. There may be an issue that they have not considered and even if there isn’t, they still have the right to their own point of view. If partners have greatly diverging views on a subject, make sure views have not been misunderstood, especially if a view expressed seems out of character. Good listening habits include; outwardly showing interest, such as the use of hand gestures and leaning forward towards a partner; sitting or standing at the same level and facing them (i.e. not sitting sideways and not looking up or down); keeping a relaxed posture; keeping relaxed eye contact; not fidgeting or doing other things while listening; and ensuring there are a minimum of other distractions about. (Turn the TV, radio and mobile phone off  and take your phone off the hook etc)

Acknowledge a partner’s views: A partner’s view should be acknowledged as being worthwhile, even if they are not agreed with; it will make them feel respected and greatly help the communication process. This does not need to imply conceding the point or taking responsibility for a situation. Try not to be judgmental and make sure intended meanings are not being twisted. Correctness is all a matter of perspective.

‘I statements’ help produce non-threatening messages: Using ‘I feel…’ and ‘I would like….’ type statements to express feelings and wants helps reduce the risk of upsetting a partner and promotes healthier, non-abusive discussion. Directly telling a partner what to do or what you think of them will just ‘get their back up’ and promote an unhelpful defensive response or aggressive retaliation. ‘I statements’ allow you to get the message across in a conciliatory manner.

Express your views clearly:  You need to make sure that your views and feelings are expressed clearly and honestly and that they are understood and respected. Do not be afraid to tell your partner when you are unhappy about something. Remember, it is not just what you say, but how you say it and the body language you are using. The feelings you convey when speaking need to match your words. If you want to say something important, make sure you are looking at your partner directly, not wandering about. As stated above, using ‘I feel’ type statements are less threatening than making direct accusations.

Talk about your needs: It is important that your partner understands what it is you want as well as what you are upset about. Many people believe their partner should know what they want and that they should not have to communicate it. Unfortunately the truth is that few of us are good mind readers. The best way to relate what you want is to actually talk about what you want rather than what your partner should do. Make requests using ‘I would like….’ type statements rather than stating demands, such as ‘Do this now’.

Whole message statements: When there is a likelihood that disagreement will occur there is a risk that normal conversation will not allow you to get your whole message across and this can lead to misunderstandings. In order to avoid this it is often helpful to work out all that you want to say before you start talking about the problem. The great advantage of taking this approach is that you can calmly work through what you want to say and make sure you say it in as non-threatening a manner as possible, for example by incorporating the ‘I… statements’ and avoiding accusations. Such whole message statements need to include the facts and incidents that have caused you to feel upset, your associated feelings, your thoughts and beliefs on the subject and finally what you would like to happen (your needs). You will need to tell your partner that you would like him or her to listen to your whole story without interjecting and that you will then be happy to listen to their point of view. It also helps to start off by saying that discussing this issue is a difficult task for you and that you are not trying to intentionally upset your partner.

Fair negotiation: You are in a partnership and an essential element of any partnership is compromise. You cannot have your own way all the time and need to find solutions that suit you both. Fairness should be your goal most of the time, although willingness to occasionally put your partner before yourself, especially when the matter is one of importance to them, is strongly related to success in marriage. Practice at successfully achieving compromise will help when more difficult issues arise.

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Compromise is often the best option.

The right to say no: Occasionally you will feel very strongly about something and you have the right to say no to a proposal; just as your partner has. Compromise is not always possible and resentment will occur if you compromise on issues that are important to you. Obviously if this is happening regularly and causing disharmony, then you need to think about where your relationship is headed and some counselling might be a help.

Be positive and don’t complain excessively. Focusing on the positives in your relationship is integral to its success, with research showing that one positive act in a marriage can compensate for five negative acts. Acknowledging positive actions is great reinforcement for such actions. And saying thanks always helps. On the other hand, continued criticism just leads to contempt and defensiveness.

A positive attitude is not possible if you always talk about problems when you are communicating and it is necessary to spend time talking about your successes. Try to let trivial problems pass without mention. You should keep in mind the old saying, ‘Change what you can, leave what you can’t, and be wise enough to know the difference’.

Also, try not to bring up old controversial issues that have already been dealt with. Such issues just get you off the main topic you are addressing and increase tempers, neither of which helps present negotiation. (Of course, sometimes it is necessary to revisit issues that have previously been sorted out because they have re-emerged as a problem. If the issue was worth sorting out initially, it is worth ensuring it stays sorted out.)

Don’t delay talking about an issue: It is a fact of life that problems tend to worsen with time rather than disappear. Delay is rarely helpful and usually just prolongs the period that the problem affects us, making us unhappier and angrier and making problem solving more difficult when the matter finally comes to a head. No one likes confronting difficult situations but quite often confronting them demonstrates that they weren’t that difficult after all. The only exception to this rule is if either party is too angry to discuss the matter reasonably.

Silence: It is worth pointing out that not communicating (silence) is a form of communication that is often interpreted as anger, or sulking, or perhaps even disinterest. Walking away: Walking away during a discussion ensures the issue remains unresolved and just upsets and frustrates the other person.

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Difficult problems

Most relationships will have specific problem areas when it comes to communicating. These usually relate to matters where compromise cannot be reached or to behaviours or characteristics of your partner that make you unhappy. When this occurs, try to elaborate further on the issues involved. This will help ensure both your partner’s and your views are not being misinterpreted and may also help you tease out hidden issues your partner might have difficulty discussing. Remember, these problems may have their source in unhappy past experiences and will often need to be handled delicately.

Sometimes trying new ways of communicating and problem solving can help. Changing your usual communication situations may provide opportunities that are more conducive to achieving compromise or revealing hidden issues. This process may need the help of a counsellor.

Conflict without anger

Conflicting views are part of every relationship. They cannot and should not be avoided. If they are, the result is usually the problem remaining unresolved; issues are left to ‘fester inside’.

What needs to be avoided is the hurt that can occur through expressing anger. This hurt can occur either when anger is expressed verbally or physically or when anger is suppressed for long periods, leading to resentment. Angry people often also try to score points by bringing up past failings by their partner; again an unhelpful option that will just increase the likelihood of retaliation.

By far the best way of dealing with anger is to simply state that you are angry about something without yelling and shouting. You can communicate your anger without expressing it. Try to talk about you using ‘I statements’ and avoid using accusing statements that will make your partner feel threatened and want to retaliate. Rather, describe the feelings your partner’s actions/views have brought about in you, such as sadness, neglect or disappointment.

Also be aware that your body language can convey anger just as well as your tone of voice and choice of words. Try to avoid standing over the person you are talking to or gestures that suggest anger.

This is also a good time to look at your other feelings as there is nearly always another feeling underlying anger, such as sadness, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of being let down or taken for granted. These underlying feelings will usually be a clue to the real issue that you and your partner need to face up to and discussing them will be far more beneficial than focusing on anger and retaliation.

If you or your partner are feeling too angry to discuss the problem reasonably, leave it until you have both calmed down; but don’t avoid it.

If your partner is the one who is angry, try not to retaliate. Hear them out and acknowledge their feelings. Showing that you are taking your partner’s feelings seriously will help calm him/her down, allowing the problem to be addressed reasonably. However, you always have the right to be treated with respect and if your partner’s verbal barrage makes you feel intimidated or threatened, you have the right to say so; again using an ‘I statement’ such as ‘I feel threatened when you speak to me in that tone’ will help prevent the conflict escalating.

Anger that results in physical violence is never acceptable and help should be sought immediately should this occur. Physical violence rarely occurs as an isolated event and the sooner it is addressed the better.

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Encourage behaviours that are good for your relationship

Don’t be afraid to ask your partner for help. Gaining assistance helps you and providing help will give your partner a great self-esteem boost. Showing you trust your partner also improves the respect you have for each other.
Develop common interests. If you may have few common interests now, it is very likely that you had some in the past. It may be worthwhile trying to resurrect these. Your partner may also be interested in things that you are but may have kept quiet about it because he or she felt you wanted to keep these for yourself. Of course, the opposite is also true. Bear in mind that each person will need some private time for themselves.
Share both the loads and the treats in your relationship. Hopefully everyone tries to share the work in the relationship, but make sure you also share the good things that you both like to do too, such as activities with your children.
Show appreciation for all kindness. Most people are appreciative of special actions, but try to occasionally show appreciation for the ones that are part of everyday life and taken for granted.
Try to do several special kind acts each week. This can be for your partner, your friends or your workmates (and even occasionally for yourself). As suggested previously, think of them before going to bed. Writing down your ideas for kind acts in a book will help you recall them for subsequent occasions. Your children should also be encouraged to do kind acts for their friends or teachers.
Make sure that you give yourself some time. This should include time for rest and time for the odd thing that you like to do by yourself.
Spend time welcoming and saying goodbye to your partner when leaving for or meeting after work. Take a few minutes to discuss the day’s events and show empathy with problems that have arisen.
Rewards Make an effort to reward yourselves when a difficult problem in your relationship has been resolved to your mutual satisfaction or when a plan you both devised to help your family has worked.

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What are the qualities that maintain a healthy relationship?

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Intimate partner abuse

Inimate partner abuse is a large problem in Australia and is responsible for about 1.1% of the total burden of disease. Whilst it can occur in all relations to both men and women, for the most part it is women who suffer in heterosexual relationships; mostly under the age of 40 years. In roughly 50% of women addmitted to hospital having been assaulted, the perpetrator was their spouse or partner.

Abuse can take numerous forms, including:

It is estimated that about 10% of women in Australia have experienced persistent physical and emotional abuse from their partner and about 20% experience occasional physical abuse.

Indicators of possible abuse include:

Any woman who feels they are in an abusive relationship should seek help from their general practitioner as the problem is very unlikely to resolve spontaneously and multiple family members are likely to be affected. If the situation is urgent then ring the poice or Lifeline. (Ph 131 114). Do not delay. Do not deny.

For further information see:

White Ribbon
www.whiteribbon.org.au

National Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence Counselling Service
www.1800respect.org.au
Ph 1800 737 732

 

Further information

Australian Institute of Family Studies (A good source of information about the nature of families and relationships in Australia today.)
https://aifs.gov.au
(Regularly published journal called ‘ Family Matters’.)

Relationships Australia
www.relationships.com.au
(A good source of advice regarding relationship problems and how to help them.)

Relationships Australia has a great range of books available on improving relationships and many other Family topics such as parenting, separation and divorce, step families, anger.

 

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